Meeting Persephone

Phraud. That's me. Not like phat is better than fat because phat means cool. I'm not trying to implement a new way of speaking.

I chose to spell fraud as 'phraud' because I've been thinking about philosophy and other teachings that I've missed out on in my life. Most of that was my own doing. I opted to be a stubborn pain in the ass throughout my school years with a plethora of excuses for not doing what I was supposed to. What has that led to? Me being left in the dust by those who chose to apply themselves in ways that I didn't. Not because I didn't have the potential but because I was just pig-headed for no good reason. Maybe nobody said just the right thing to inspire me and that could have played a bit of a role in it, but the blame is still mine to bear.

The result of my shitty attitude was my dad telling me in my senior year that it was time to drop out of school, get a job and get out on my own. His reasoning was multi-layered and not just a reflection of my behavior, but it happened nevertheless. I did what I was told and immediately regretted it. Then I was sent back to my mother's house where I thought I would be allowed to go back to high school and get my diploma. She and her husband decided that wasn't going to happen though I still don't know their reasoning. So I was driven to the adult education center, took my GED (and passed it) and turned loose to work a short series of relatively meaningless jobs. The same girl who was a "Harvard hopeful" when she was 4 was now a symbol of "generation X".

I lost my way. I didn't bother with attempting college because I'd decided I wouldn't cut it. I wouldn't be given the opportunity because my record was so abysmal. And so here I sit uneducated and self-pitying and submerged in a lack of self-confidence that prevents me from going forward and trying from this point on to do what I should have done all those years ago.

I try to make up for those losses now in my adult life. Most times I feel as though I'll never catch up. If I could go back in time I'd kick my 9 year old self in the ass and explain a few things to her that might have changed my entire path. I read anything that appeals to me and relish the words of others and envy their talent and confidence in expressing themselves for the masses. I read the same books my daughter is now bringing home from high school because I didn't bother with the curriculum when I was in school myself. I missed out on Orwell, Austen, Shakespeare, Marx, Homer, Chaucer, Plato, Nietzsche, Kafka and tons more. I read them (or try in the case of Chaucer written in middle English) now in an attempt to regain some of those things I deprived myself of when the opportunity was given to me freely.

I dare say that I appreciate them more now than I would have then, but if I'd read them then I would be going forward now instead of paddling backwards and against the current in my life. I haven't conquered a fraction of my reading list yet but I'm working on it. I'm disgusted with myself right now and rather than hiding it like I normally would have I'm putting it right out there. Maybe in the hopes that someone else will come along and give me a kick while I'm kicking my own ass down. It's my shame and I won't cover it up anymore because it's part of who I am.

The only benefit now is that I'm doing it for myself and not for some sort of a pat on the head. No reward but my own knowledge and for now that is enough.