I appreciate the feedback I got on my last post. It's nice to know that what I write here is accepted as is and some even like it just for what it's been to this point. Trust me when I say that I wasn't preparing to divulge deep dark sinister thoughts about things that I'm terrified to admit in the light of day to others. I heard about a website for women to make confessions and some of those are apparently pretty off the wall (going back to the safety of online anonymity). That's not how I roll. I have relatively few sinister thoughts. If I hate something I pretty much just say that right out loud and I'm done with it - I own those type of thoughts readily.
I thank you for your concern and your support, but I was thinking about things a bit more benign. Just those personal flaws that are preventing me from being who I wanted or thought I wanted to be.
For example - I don't fear death but I do fear dying without having done anything that would honour the best compliment I've ever received. My father, in the midst of a great heated argument centered around my trying to become an emancipated minor, hugged me (fiercely) for the first time in years and told me that there was something about me that had the potential to change the world. I feel I've squandered that compliment and it causes me tremendous grief.
Druids are supposed to embrace life. I'm better at supporting those who are driven enough to make the most of their own lives. I push my husband and daughter to be the best at everything they do because they have the courage to conquer those things. I, on the other hand, don't have the courage to make the most of my own life. I live by proxy - vicariously through others.
Perhaps the closest I'll ever come to changing the world is the work I do behind the scenes for others. I was never meant to be a shining star - I am the stubborn diplomatic type with a vicious temper. I'm much better at being the power behind the throne. Though sometimes I do lament the passing and wasting of time when I might have done something to have at least left my own legacy behind when I'm gone.
Changing the world is an enormous charge for anyone. It's especially hard for someone who hasn't got the tools necessary to begin tackling it.
I may never change the world. I may spend the rest of my life living vicariously through others. I may accomplish nothing more than lending comfort or common sense where needed to those I'm close to. Perhaps I need to come to terms with the idea of average being an okay way to go through life instead of the idea of the charmed life my father thought I had in store more than 20 years ago.
I'm just a regular person after all.
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5 comments:
Hmm, the first thought I had here is to argue that regular is special, but that sounds soooo cliche and fluffy-bunny, so I won't. :)
However, supporting those who, as you say, strive towards greatness, is greatness itself. Those guys who walked on the moon and made history probably don't know how to build a rocket, but without those techs behind them, it would never have happened.
Just like a broadway stage presentation, someone's gotta build the set itself.
I'm one of those background tech-builders myself, and it's not as humble as it first appears. :)
To your family, and your daughter, you are probably THE most special person. Don't discredit yourself too harshly.
...and if the above still sounds too mushy, forgive me. It's 3:30am and I'm stuck on-call at work, so my brain's more randomly mushy right now. BLECH!
I hate to tell you this, but I am in and of the world, and reading your blog has an effect on my brain chemistry, in such a way that I keep wanting to do it again and again, thus, you have effected a change, so, there you go, you have already changed the world. Bringing peace and love and prosperity to all the people of the world, now THAT I can't help you with, but hey, every journey starts with tentative steps, now doesn't it?
I never was able to figure out warp drive, but I've gotten over it; a full crop of tomatoes will suit me just fine this summer.
Think about the person your daughter is, then try to honestly say you haven't changed the world for the better. Your strength and guidance as a mother is quite a mark to leave! And that's just one of your many roles. Some of us embrace life less flamboyantly than others, but we still do embrace it powerfully.
Thank you all. I don't disagree that I've had some impact on things/people in this world. But I also know that my dad wasn't especially free with compliments - he was much better with insults - so I know that when he said what he did, his intention was far grander.
What makes this a confession is just as much based in the fact that, on the scale he was thinking when he said it, I've failed as it is the confession to myself that I am a regular person. I think there have always been feelings of "grandeur" about my own existence and so I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may never have that never-ending legacy to pass on. The idea behind this is one of becoming ok with the fact that I'm in good company just being regular folk.
If being Mini Me's mommy is the best mark I can leave on this world - believe me when I say that is something I can having nothing but pride in. There are NO regrets if that is to be my great legacy.
im not afaid of dying..i just know that it's going to piss me off...
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