My daughter, as anyone who reads this blog knows, is the most important thing in my life. She's everything to me and makes me exceedingly proud at every turn.
She belongs to a group at school that tries to educate their classmates on the dangers of drugs, alcohol, smoking, and drunk driving. Their main project this year is death by drunk driving. This coming Thursday they will simulate the death of prominent pre-selected students in the school by taking them out of whatever classroom they're in, painting their faces chalky white, and forbidding them to talk to any of their friends for the remainder of the day. This will take place, one student every 30 minutes, for the entirety of the school day. While it would be easy for me to make a joke about doubting the likelihood of my daughter staying quiet for the full day, I can't. She takes this very seriously and she will be one of those who "dies" for the sake of teaching her classmates a lesson about drinking and driving.
It is a noble cause. I support her fully in taking on the project and teaching her friends/classmates the importance of not succombing to this potentially devastating act - either as drunk drivers or as passengers in a car with a drunk driver. I'd lost several classmates when I was in high school to that very thing and the scars it leaves on those left behind are the kind that I don't want her to know personally nor any of her friends. They can be paralyzing as I learned first hand. If this exercise prevents even one child from doing something they may not live to regret, it will have been worth it despite how drastic it seems on the outside.
One of the details of this project is that there will be an obituary read over the loudspeaker for each of the students as they are declared "dead" and taken from their classroom. It's just one more jolt of reality for their friends left behind. What wasn't made clear at the time we learned of the project is that we, her parents, would be responsible for writing the obituary for our daughter. I have to confess that just typing/reading those words fills my eyes with tears, my throat constricts, and my heart is clenched tight down in the pit of my stomach. It's a horror I'm all too familiar with and the idea of composing that particular document, no matter how noble the cause, seems torturous in a way nothing else could except undertaking the real necessity of those final words being written for her.
To write out my worst nightmare.... I can do it. I am fully capable of writing something so painful that there wouldn't be "a dry eye in the house". I could make the kind of impact that would likely stick in the minds of these children for a long time to come. I know that often when I'm writing on this blog I'm doing it off the cuff and in the worst form, but when I have something serious to tackle I am quite competent and I can be very compelling as well. This is one of those times. But for the life of me though I cannot understand how the facilitators imagined that it would be a good idea to request that the parents of these children be the ones to perform this part of the project. It seems so much to ask. "Embrace your greatest nightmare and give the most precious words, thoughts, and feelings you have toward your child for others to learn a valuable lesson."
As I said, a noble cause but at the same time bordering on bad form and nauseating. It seems strange that on the life affirming day of Beltaine I learn that I have to write about my darling daughter's demise. Fiction or not it's caused a conflict of emotions that I wasn't prepared to deal with when I started this day out.
And so, as I embark on this challenge - and make no mistake about it, it is a challenge - I'll need to call on the Goddess for the strength to do the right thing. I'd also appreciate some of those strong parental vibes from those of you I so admire if you can spare them.
Saule`, I need Your fierce conviction and Your warm embrace as I take on this request that should never have been made for a cause I hope remains fiction all the rest of my days. You, the Mother I most admire and call upon - lend me Your strength for even if the event isn't real, the pain is still overwhelming. Help me to offer up a work that will honour my child's integrity, dignity, and light. And let it not fall on deaf ears or hearts of stone for it will be my true heart.
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12 comments:
It may eventually come to that end that she has a classmate or friend die because of drunk driving. That is, someone she knows may be the driver or simply an innocent victim. Drunk drivers suck. About 2 weeks ago a pitcher making his debut for the Angels, Nick Adenhart, pitched a good game and died hours after being hit by a drunk driver.
Yes, drunk drivers definitely suck. That was my first experience with death as a child. A classmate's little brother was killed by a drunk driver. The lesson of that has stuck with me forever.
I remember doing this in my senior year of High school, but we did not read obituaries. I jsut walked out of class when my appointed bell rang, and returned wearing black and remained silent.
I'm with you, what a powerful message the obits would convey, and to be sure it's a pretty solid kick in the pants to acknowledge the statistics and supply a statement to read from the parents too. I have to wonder, while some of the kids will probably get the message, is the fact that parents are requested to consider these words more FOR the parents? To , you know, be parental and accountable with their children.
...interesting indeed.
I commend your daughter for participating. I was bothered when I 'died' by the end of the day since the initial "cool, I get to be dead" turned more somber as I realized I couldn't talk to anyone. In my last class, I had a question and was patently avoided by the teacher who only commented about remaining after class to ask it, since I was not 'there' during the class. It hit home then to me.
Maebius,
I'm glad you have some experience with this exercise. I have no doubt that it has a strong impact on those who have and will participate(d). What I wonder more about are the kids who are not participating, but in order to ease their own distress over the idea, turn it into a game - make the "dead" kids talk. Can the message be lost on them?
I'm also sure that for a great many parents this is an important exercise for them as well. I'm too familiar with too many parents who are detached and unaware when it comes to their kids - life gets too busy, stresses of their own lives overwhelm and they pay less attention, or the blessed oblivion that helps them believe that nothing bad will ever happen to them or theirs. I have never been one of those parents and so this exercise isn't one of awareness for me but one of terror as I have to put into words for others those things that have been in my mind for years. Extremely painful really.
Thank you so much for your feedback.
I never thought of the non-participants, but I can see your point at the message being lost. Also, I hadn't commented on it, since I can't put it into words properly, but yes... the parents like you, who are already engaged with their children, this seems a bit overkill (pardon the term) and stressful. The ones who need the message the most are probably the ones who's children will NOT be participating. Still, in your place, and not knowing the full details of the requirement for a eulogy, I would keep it basic and less gut-wrenching. Too heartfelt (IMHO) would only provide joke-fodder for those insensitive brats who would be making a game out of the whole exercise anyway. Keep it simple, commenting on any extracurricular activities, and short enough not to overwhelm your daughter. If she talks about the exercise with you after/ before, then such private conversations may be the better place for emotional/painful worry and praiseful eulogy-words. (if that makes any sense).
Maebius,
THANK YOU! I've been struggling with this for the last 3 1/2 days (since I found out about it and blogged about it late that night) and haven't been able to write a single word. I think you're very correct though. I will keep it more basic - doing what they ask in writing a "newspaper" style obit and taking up the more heartfelt discussions with my daughter alone as I always have.
I truly thank you for that!
Wow, this exercise is hard core. I see the value in it, but it does make me wonder. See, we never had drugs or drinking education in my high school. Ever. And it was a Catholic school, which is kinda funny/sad.
We didn't lose anyone to DD while in school but a year after my class graduated, a guy in our class was in an accident with a friends' drinking. The thing I wonder about is this: with my classmate who died, he was in an accident after he and his friends drank all night. I question whether a teen will remember the impact of this exercise after 2 or 3 (or 3 or 4) drinks?
I feel like this exercise may stop some from drinking at all or making sure they have a designated driver, but more intervention is needed for that person who has a few and think their "OK" behind a wheel. But you said your daughter is in a group at school so I'm sure this is one of many programs they're doing.
(p.s. if the obit thing makes you uncomfortable, honestly, I wouldn't do it. I don't think I could. Maybe the school can compromise and you can read the obit of an actual teen who died, which I think could be just as powerful.)
Sometimes experience is the best teacher Junior. In this case it may leave you scarred or dead, but that's what experience is or should be, the marks of what we have learned. We should learn to evolve here.
What a powerful way to convey this message! Kudos to your daughter for being involved! At first I thought the idea of parents writing obits was completely wrong. That's only because I, like you, am very close to my kids. But! Think about, as Maebius mentioned, how this might benefit at least some parents. And you'd be surprised at how seriously kids really do take these things. Sure, a lot of them party and some will joke. But they will stop and think, deeply, if you connect with them. Hearing a heartfelt obit written by a parent and having the opportunity to not let it become reality would really be a wake-up call to many kids. I think if you're going to do this, don't suppress your emotions. Kids won't come to harm from hearing the sad words in this lesson, but without guidance during these years they may.
Junior,
I'm glad you had no losses in your high school years to these issues. In my junior year alone we lost 3 kids in 2 months. I tried to press the principal that now was the time to hit it hard and heavy with counteractions but he wouldn't get on board because it was too raw for too many of the kids in the small school we attended. I don't know if things have improved around there but somehow I doubt it.
Fortunately I don't have to read anything out loud - I believe they're having a friend of each person who "dies" do the reading - double in impact so-to-speak. I'm just going to have to write it. There's nobody else to do that and it has to be done. I have heard stories about parents who refused but there were other family members around that could do it in their stead - we don't have that option.
Chell,
I don't worry about the kids not participating by actually doing the "dying" coming to harm - I worry about them making a mockery of the whole thing. I'm all too familiar with these kids (small town and all) and I have a really hard time with the idea of putting my heart on parade to have it mocked in front of Mini Me making a joke of her participation and the seriousness with which the kids participating are approaching this whole thing.
Fortunately there have been no losses of kids at this school due to these issues (nor any other issues that I'm aware of). Unfortunately they are largely a school filled with those who insist on learning a lot of things the hard way.
I think I'm going to take the straightforward response to the obit and keep conversations about my most personal feelings about it between our daughter and us.
I do know that her best friend's mother already wrote the obituary for her daughter and it was heartbreaking for both of them. I'm sure that it might have an impact on their relationship but I also have to wonder why the focus seems to be so much on those kids already participating? THEY seem to have already gotten the message of how dangerous this activity (DD) really is.
The assignment, after all, is an obituary and not for an eulogy...
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