Ok. I promise I have a real true Druid post in the hopper. I just have one more thing to get off my chest right now and I'm entirely baffled as to how I need to handle this.
Mini Me is going to prom with her boyfriend. Finding her a dress locally would have been virtually impossible and the online selection was becoming very thin as we spent a couple of weeks looking. Finally we started placing orders and were informed that those dresses were not in stock and would not be available until a month after the event. Mini Me was understandably frustrated and was becoming increasingly despondent. Panic was setting in as the options were becoming fewer and fewer.
Finally I persuaded her to let me order a dress that I liked that was very similar in style to the dress she was in love with but a slightly lighter shade of blue. I was not bullying her in this situation at all and was just trying to be realistic about the options left to us considering how difficult the process had already been. I had spent hours and hours poring over pages upon pages of prom dresses and sincerely tried to find a dress that would flatter her figure as well as match her taste. She finally agreed to the dress and I ordered the one that was her size - exactly her size (as I'd measured her several times for accuracy) - which also happens to be the largest size they offer in this particular dress. We discussed the size issue at great length but she had already stated that she and a friend were already planning to start running at the track and we had also just purchased a recumbent bike that she was excited to use.
A couple of days later we were notified that the dress was in stock and she would receive it the day of prom. I panicked, called them, and told them in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable as it left no room whatsoever for any alterations that might be necessary or other details to be handled. They agreed with me and arranged shipping to be done directly from the manufacturer which would have the dress delivered a week before the prom. *whew* The next day I called to schedule her hair and "mani/pedi" appointment and we also purchased her shoes. Everything was set... or so I thought.
Mini Me has been riding the exercise bike but she and her friend have yet to go running. Frankly I don't see it happening. The problem now is that she has put on an inch in her waist and is now measuring too large for the dress we have ordered. We cannot cancel the dress and a week is not much time to have it altered even if we could find someone able and willing to do so. The fact of the matter is that she has quite possibly eaten herself out of her prom dress and I really really don't know what to do. I'm frustrated and disappointed and most certainly am not willing to buy another dress if she is unable to get the situation under control to wear the dress we've already purchased.
I have never never never made comments about her weight. As long as she remained healthy I didn't worry about it and didn't bother her with it. She had maintained the same basic size for the last 3 years but suddenly, when it really does count, she has been eating a great deal more than usual. She knew that the dress was the exact size she needed when we ordered it but that seems to have been no real concern for her. I asked her if she was nervous about prom (thinking that perhaps that was why she had been eating the way she had - which was in secret btw and she doesn't know that I have figured that out) but she denies any nerves saying that they'll probably hit the day before prom. I'm at my wits' end with this prom deal and can't wait until it's over but really don't want it to be a horrifying experience for her if this dress does not fit... Or is it just a hard lesson she will have to learn?
I have spent her entire life protecting and fixing everything for her. I'm horrible about that and have not had the discipline to let her fall despite knowing that it's an important thing for kids to go through. It seems incredibly unfair to let her have this particular bad experience - in fact in my eyes it borders on cruel. If the day of prom comes and she can't wear this dress it would be devastating for her - I think (unless she's sabotaging herself but I don't think she's that calculated). It just feels like the wrong time or situation to teach her that particular lesson even though we all have to deal with consequences and there are consequences for everything - sometimes good and sometimes bad.
So I guess I need to figure out how to get her eating less of the crap she's been stuffing in her mouth AND get her exercising more AND doing those things without hurting her feelings too badly. Is that even possible? How the hell do you even approach something like this with a teen girl under these circumstances when the impending stress of such an event already has them on the edge?? The bickering has already been elevated and we've butted heads more times than I can count over the past couple of weeks on completely unrelated issues. I'm at a loss...
HELP!!! (And YES - I do know how pathetic this whole post is in the grand scheme of things far more important and I cringe that I've even written it - my apologies)
The Trash Heap has spoken.
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3 comments:
This might be worthless or even cause more trouble, since everyone is different. But it sounds like a heart to heart is needed. She's at an age where honesty about your desire to do for her (shows your love for her), and her ability to do for herself (shows her independence and strength) might be well-taken.
Amid hormones and growth spurts and stress, teenagers really can go through abrupt body changes without realizing it themselves. Maybe just have a matter-of-fact, calm talk about what she would like to do as a backup if the dress doesn't fit when it gets there. If she's in the know and a good part in control of the decision making, she may change her eating and exercise habits. Consequences don't have to be cruel. Just keep things in perspective, and consequences are great teachers.
Thank you, Chell. I appreciate the comment a great deal. I wasn't able to read it until now, but things did go pretty much this way. It's tough subject matter to tackle. There were tears but not tears of hurt - more the tears of frustrated reality.
I don't generally think of consequences as cruel as they are simply part of life. This didn't seem like the time to let her deal with the consequences on her own - which I didn't and won't. There are consequences but she is not unaware anymore and that, as you said, is indeed empowering. I hope that it is also a motivator. She exercised in the manner that I recommended today and that is a good sign.
She has her parents' unfortunate genetic make-up which will cause her to battle her entire life. She can't manage certain things the way others might and that is difficult, but her willingness to listen and try to apply the information I give her will hopefully help her in some small part. All I can do is try to be here - and let her know I am.
Parenthood, eh? lol
well drat, I could have sworn I commented here... must have not gone through right...
What Chell said, is essentially what I was going to post.
Tough love, but it's honest feedback and hopefully she'll understand on soem level that you are caring about her, and not saying something shallow like "you are getting fat".
(we just ran into this with a family friend's daughter, who immediately flew off hte handle at being called fat instead of realizing the low-fat meals nad lack of desert was NOT a personal attack against her, and more a whole-family exercise in eating healthier)
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