Meeting Persephone

I'm not typically a jealous person. I don't suffer from covetousness in a traditional sense. I don't wish for other people's material possessions, hair, clothes, or opportunities. I do, however, envy those with the ability to articulate their thoughts in an eloquent, beautiful, and creative way.

I'm artistic in a sense. I can draw a fair representation of something if I care to. I can write some simple-minded poetry on occasion. I know some big words and can spell them rather confidently. What I cannot do is take a paintbrush to a notebook and coax out a lovely work of words that inspire the imagination. I do so envy those who are able to do just that.

Ali is one of those people. I read her blog whenever there is a new entry and often read each entry several times because they are so overwhelming that I find myself lost in a picture world and lose my place in the words. She has an incredible gift.

This is where I resent my own mind. I was just discussing the fact that I have a very developed intuitive mind. This works very well for communication with self but is miserable when communicating with others. My mind works so quickly that I am completely incapable of breaking down the process to explain anything to anyone else in a decipherable way. I just have sudden inexplicable understandings of things that seem to come out of thin air.

Mind you, I'm not bragging about having a fast mind - it's a frustration for me for the very reason I am speaking of now. I cannot create brilliantly descriptive works of words and it's an ability that I do truly envy in others. I'd rather be talented than a curiousity. And following a Druid path is difficult since my mind is not exactly conducive to the traditional duties of memorization.

I do not know how I come to the realizations I come to except in a series of epiphanies and intuitions. This makes it virtually impossible to explain one's perception of anything. I cannot slow my mind down long enough to have a reasonable conversation with someone about a single topic and explain it in a coherent way. I am forever dropping off important details when speaking because my mind is 5 minutes ahead of my mouth (or fingers when typing). Then I get angry with myself when someone else comes in with those details I neglected to state because they seemed superfluous to me.

As an example, I managed to completely leave Christianity in a matter of 4 hours. Epiphanies began hitting me and the process wouldn't stop. What my family tried to impress on me for my entire life was obliterated to the point of absolutely no return within a few hours. It wasn't a matter of squeezing my eyes and declaring in the form of a mantra "I don't want to believe" over and over again. This was a realization of the falsehoods that the entire thing was made up of. It took a friend of mine more than 20 years to come to the same realizations on her own. I don't consider myself to be a "recovering Christian" because now Christianity has absolutely no bearing on who or what I am at all. I guess when you leave something so quickly, the resentment is also soon to follow. (though now I guess I'll have to write an entry on a bit more of that)

But getting back to the original point. I'd love to write. I'd love to write something other than the self-indulgent unorganized garbage that this blog often ends up resembling. I'm certain that somewhere in myself there is a story or two to be told. The problem is that I don't think I could do it as well as I'd like to be able to. I seem unable to slow down long enough to describe the sounds, sights, and smells of things that truly bring stories to life for someone else. It's a failing that I wish I could overcome.